“I’m scared to be gay”

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For the first time in my life, I was scared of being myself. I was scared of being me – I was scared of being gay. 

I never thought that I would think, let alone, say those words, especially in 2016. Especially with it being Pride month. Especially when I’m known for how “myself” I am. I have never not wanted to be myself more than in the moments during the chaos of the Orlando mass shooting.

These gay bars and nightclubs might just be four walls and a jukebox to you, but to me, they’re my escape. They’re my oasis of freedom and acceptance. For me, as an entertainer in the nightlife industry, these bars and nightclubs are my home. I’ve laughed, I’ve celebrated, I’ve danced, and I’ve even cried in these bars, and I’m both scared and angry at the fact that someone – whatever their intentions might have been – tried to take away someone’s escape, someone’s oasis, and someone’s home. 

I was scared because my brother and his girlfriend were visiting friends in Orlando and were 2 miles away from everything happening. Thankfully, they decided against going out that night, which was something they normally didn’t do. It was a blessing in disguise that they had a night at home, or I could have been saying goodbye to my only brother. I will say that following the attack, my brother, a US Army infantryman, aided some people who were at Pulse hours after the incident and talked to them while the EMTs arrived. I couldn’t be more proud to have the brother that I have.

But I’m also scared because it could have been me. It could have been us. It could have happened in Atlanta. I keep playing that over and over in my mind. What if it were to happen here? Or worse, what if were to happen and I was standing on stage, in the spotlight, with the focus of the bar on me? I would be the first target. The simple thought of that haunts me. I’m working hard to pursue my dream of being an openly gay rapper, and now it’s a risk to even be in the bar, let alone, on stage. But I’m not going to let that stop me.

It’s hard to relight the welcoming essence once it’s been burnt out. It’s also difficult to stand up when you get knocked down, but I will say this: the LGBTQ community isn’t going to be down long. This may be a huge blow, but we’ve been through worse. From Marsha P Johnson and the Stonewall riots to the ruling that same-sex marriage was unconstitutional, we’ve come a long way and we still have more to go on this journey of total and competent equality.

So to the LGBTQ communities and our allies everywhere, let’s march on!

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About the Author

I’m J. Tyler. I’m a designer, a rapper, a creative superhero, and just like MC Hammer, you can’t touch this.

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